they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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