No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
