I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You have to summon your inner elephant
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
