I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
