I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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