TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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