My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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