The maid of honor just puked.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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