I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
