Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
