I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
