I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Everyone says I win the strip club
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
