I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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