I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
