i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Four minutes until I can fart!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
