i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
