i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
