Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
