my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
