At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
