she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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