even my farts smell like vagina
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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