She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
