2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
