I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
