eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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