im drinking this country out of the recession.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Sober January is a disaster.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
