so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
