life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
