It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
