Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
