Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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