i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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