If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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