I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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