The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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