I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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