I wish my penis had an off switch
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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