Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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