whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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