I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
