i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
