take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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