I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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