At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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