She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
