My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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