i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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