The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just puked most of my soul out..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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