I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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