he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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