I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
