omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
