someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
