"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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